Hello

With any story, there are many views of one event and the passing of my mother is one of them. I am one of four daughters to Lewis & Faye Lindsay (aka Phyllis). We all have different personalities and unique characters.  Our mother made sure my twin and I had different identities by not having rhyming names and different colored clothes, maybe in the same pattern though! She made sure the teachers gave us individual views of us as we went through the elementary years. We twins are the babies of the family with the older two being 9 & 10 years older.

The moment the message came to clarity it made a deepened mark in my soul. What message do you ask? Let’s start at the beginning first. My twin Sharlene and I just celebrated our 45th birthday on Thursday and our mom posted on Facebook the milestone of her babies was now 45! We spoke on Thursday wishing me happy birthday and asked what I planned for the birthday. I mentioned the birthday bash I was hosting and if she wanted to come, I would pick her up as it snowed heavily that week.

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Next morning, I woke up with huge chest pain, usually meant Dad had heart attack but since he passed, next conclusion was my twin sister since I was connected to them both very strongly. I called Sharlene to see if she was alright and if she spoke with our mom as she didn’t phone back after I left a message on Friday to confirm her attendance. Neither of us sisters heard from her but figured she was out shoveling or brooming her sidewalks. Now these sidewalks were newer, and she kept them snow free manually! Hard working woman never lessened in her age of 78!

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While I was hosting a birthday bash on Saturday for the BIG 45 received some verbiage with no voice tone message. I am talking about the spirit world. I am an empath and family medium of sorts; I mean I don’t exercise the ability professionally but have the ability to connect to the spirits, after life. The message came as I was playing a shot game with my girlfriend! Message heard “now that I am gone, you can come find me and claim my body” in a freeing suave way but no recognizable tone at least not familiar to me but then it could have been my awareness level. Of course, with the night celebrations and not recognizing the spirit communicating, I responded, someone will find you. Evening preceded uneasiness due to the nature of the message.

Sunday Morning, message came through again, but I recognized the voice tone now! Very deepening emotions and disbelief came over me. This is the one-time spirit message that took on a whole new meaning. It was Mom who was repeating the same message in her suave way like ha, ha! At this time in life, I recently separated from 20-year marriage and was on a new start in life and career! Man felt I was on whole new earth plain. The Truck was not working so I couldn’t just run over, I called my ex-spouse for assistance since I knew he was staying nearby and maybe pop over.  I had him pop over, no response to doorbell so he came and picked me up to go over.

 

As I try opening the screen door, basically tearing and pulling as hard as I can with all the possible emotion to be unleashed, I broke the handle as the screen door was locked but with the break of the handle ended up bending the door, so the glass window part came out for us to unlock screen door and main door. Enter upon the house to find her at peace in lounge chair.

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My mother, at the age of 78 years old, passed away peacefully in her home.  Come to find out later from the coroner's office, she apparently had an enlarged heart and very clogged arteries. After shoveling snow, she had come inside to rest and cool down from the workout it gave her. She fell asleep and never woke up as her heart gave out - a blessing that she got her wish of passing away peacefully in her home.

What to do first was call 911 to let them know to send Corner. I found out the EPS comes as well to help protect the body until corner comes and assist with family members with anything needed. Then it was calling the siblings. That took a lot of air to get it out. Although Mom had everything ready if she should go but it was unexpected timing. No awareness her time would be called. First experience with receiving that message and discovering your last parent deceased. I had the honor to start notifying 911 and the siblings. First experience working with Edmonton Police and Coroner and seemed at the time a logical step to take, then notifying extended family like Mom’s siblings.

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As everyone came to say their last goodbyes before Corner took her, Mom was still talking with me making sure that we did what she set-up was executed. So where to find the package for “on the day” and make sure I called her siblings. She had the one last message to pass on to a certain person for me to share. It took a lot to listen and process emotion even now writing has tears running down my cheeks. I can honestly say all paperwork done does not prepare for the early passing of a loved one, at least on that day.

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Once Mom was whisked away, everyone hugged and left except Tracey and me. We took the moment to reset our lungs to breathe and calm. Then we were like what do we do with the cat! Since I gave her the cat and was the only one with no animals, Tracey and I decided I would take her. So, Bella came to part of my family trying to reconcile where and what and who she was to do. One thing we don’t plan for is our pets!!

What to do next? Tracey had been allocated as executor, Oldest was removed as executor and given a gift, essentially written out of the will! My Twin Sister lived in the USA, and items had immediate things to be done. So came the question, what to do with myself and how can I help!

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We all go in protective mode with wanting to assist any way we can. Well, being emotional time, you have daughters with different personalities, grieving in different ways and timeline. The first task was calling the funeral home, then making final arrangements such as food and flowers as our parents had everything planned and prepaid for! That makes it so much easier and having the assistance of the funeral director assist with planning details and tasks much easier for the funeral. Then the task of getting Sharlene across the border to the funeral! Read the story here.

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I offered to check on the property and maintain it as I lived 5 minutes away and with snow fall be easier until my twin sister Sharlene can get here. I console Tracey, Sharlene, and the cat. Must say, I didn’t have interact with the oldest siblings as she moved out from my place to start her new journey being back in Alberta as well be just notified on death, she no longer was executor she took time away from us three other siblings. Granted, it was awkward and not an easy thing to navigate to surprise like that as beneficiary. Funeral was easier for me to handle as I still have connections to my parents especially mom as she hung around in the connection to me a bit longer in the process to check on things.

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Weeks and months to come during the end of covid, we siblings had to find our own footing and joint path in working together to navigate and lean on each other strength to fill in what we couldn’t have strength for.

The executor-Tracey allowed all of us to contribute to the discussion and tasks ahead. I was very concerned that it was winter - we needed to secure the property, vehicle, etc. We secured the home and vehicle. Now to deal with the "stuff" - after 51 years in that house, there was a LOT to go through. Where do we start? When? Do we want to hire help or have family help?

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My mother's youngest sister, Carol, was with us every step of the way for support. She helped orient us, questioned things to ensure logical rather than emotional decisions.

Going through the home, touching items I'd never seen or hadn't seen in years, brought huge emotions - attachment, creepiness, flood of memories, and inevitable tears. Like Sharlene said we recognized early on that we needed breaks to discuss emotions and not take outbursts personally due to the stress. At lunch and dinner, we'd share a memory or story that had surfaced, which was therapeutic. Especially me being the empath that feels everything in heighten way. I feel big and exerted excitably.

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This process was overwhelming. In hindsight, I'm glad we did it ourselves even though it took many months to complete. We were able to identify and keep what we considered valuables and heirlooms. A third party may not have let us keep some personal items to pass down. Us Siblings strengthened and recreated our relationships as we saw the rawness in each other. We learned from each other and were there for each other. I do have to say, we all still needed additional support from family, friends, and professionals to help sort ourselves.

Some things I learned: who my parents were before us kids, their habits - like Mom keeping all gifts pristine and unused because she cherished them. I saw their school documents, photos from early life, learning who was who and the stories behind them (thanks Carol!). We even found their printed dirty jokes - who knew? Do we ever see our parents as just as human as we are? Another revelation: Mom's masterful packing skills - we had to search every inch because she tucked items into items into other items. That's how we found a lot of valuables and cash.

For things we couldn't decide on we packed them up into totes and put them in storage to revisit in a year with clearer minds. This was the best decision to make logical choices about family legacy.

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Now, coming up on two years from the passing, acknowledging losing the last parent with surprise was a lot harder than losing a parent with known loss was a lot more emotional and reconciling. The feel of being left like an orphan even though you're not, but you had the one parent absorb the loss of the first once from the dependents.  Each loss is different, situations are different, and the work to handle it may be comparable but there are always resources and support if you should seek them. I thank my siblings & Aunt Carol for enduring this with me.

 

~Heather