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My Story: Navigating the Complexities of Managing a Parent's Estate While Living A Broad 

Growing up, it was either taboo or morbid to discuss funerals, estate processes, etc. I wish I had heard the stories and learned from them. It may have helped me mentally deal with grief and the tasks at hand in dealing with an estate. Every situation will be different based on the circumstances of the death. Overall, when you lose your last parent, it is like a doubling effect of the loss. You are now orphaned and no longer have the matriarch of the family. When the first parent dies, you deal mainly with the grief while the surviving parent handles the estate moving forward. They are also the ones who may have had experience dealing with their parents' estates. 

My mother, known to many as Faye, was not just a parent; she was a compass that guided my life. She was a woman of unwavering integrity, devoted to our family, and so much strength. Her mission was to ensure we four girls were on the right path of being strong, independent, and experienced as much as we could - whether it was sports, dance, travel or Girl Guides. From my earliest memories, she ensured we had the tools for life: community service, team sports, survival skills and the ability to have strength in whatever we chose to do. We did have a short time during my bad and rebellious teen years when our relationship was not on good terms. I was one that needed space and freedom to be a bit wild. I am thankful we were able to repair our relationship early on and became travel buddies, enjoying experiences on our trips together. One memorable experience in particular was when she was 60 years old and we took a trip through Alaska where I got this woman on a zipline! Even though she was a little fearful of it, she did it and was so happy with the accomplishment. I was too, for her. 

However, life took an unexpected turn when my mother at the age of 78 years old passed away peacefully in her home. My twin sister Heather had gone over to check on mom and found her. Come to find out later from the coroner's office, she apparently had an enlarged heart and very clogged arteries. After shoveling snow, she had come inside to rest and cool down from the workout it gave her. She fell asleep and never woke up as her heart gave out - a blessing that she got her wish of passing away peacefully in her home. 

My initial shock upon receiving that phone call... I thought it was a joke. No way this is happening, I thought. I had just spoken to her a few days ago and the night before she had posted on Facebook wishing my twin and I a happy birthday. I had left a message for her the previous day as well, asking her to call me back. I even made a comment to Heather that day, "Have you heard from her? Are you going to see mom this weekend?" 

Once it sunk in that this was really happening, I felt hopeless since I was living aboard and my family had to deal with this until I could get back home. I had so many questions for my family that had to wait until the coroner's office and police had done their tasks in dealing with the "scene" and removing the body from the home. You are crying nonstop, your head reeling with emotions and unanswered questions. The anxiety of waiting for answers was enormous. Anger came in as the reality fully sunk in. I paced the house, staring at my phone waiting for a call or text update. I wanted to fully unleash my Scottish temper by throwing and breaking things just to feel better. But I couldn't. 

My husband wanted to physically comfort me. But at this angry stage, it would have made me angrier to be restrained by a loving hug. Attuned to my state, he wisely waited until I engaged him for an embrace. He too was in shock about the news and at a loss for how to comfort me. In a moment of wisdom, he said "Hey, I'm here. You just process this and tomorrow we'll make a game plan." 

The Game Plan: I had to figure out how to get back home. I had been in the process of renewing my passport and residency for the last 14 months, delayed by COVID. I had to figure out who to call and in what order to determine how I could legally leave the USA and enter Canada given my status. 

My first call was to the embassy in Texas. What were my options given my current status? An emergency passport would take 15 days from the time they received the application, and my renewal application would be cancelled. Great. I called my sister, the executor, to ask when she was thinking of scheduling the funeral service. I explained my passport situation. The service was going to be in 11 days given no religious restrictions, just potential scheduling restrictions at the funeral home (this was post-COVID shutdowns). Alright, I'd need to find another way back. 

I called the Canadian passport office to see if they could expedite a passport given the circumstances. That was a no go. But the helpful lady I spoke with offered two other avenues to pursue: Contact the land border crossing and ask what documentation they would accept for my scenario. And they could process the passport and send it to a pickup center in the city I was going to in 20 days. So I'd have it for my return trip! Perfect. 

When I called the land border agent, they were very helpful! Basically, I could cross with my driver's license, expired passport, birth certificate, and a statement of death from the funeral home, along with a negative COVID PCR test. 

Now for the logistics - how to actually get from Texas to the Alberta border? Did I know anyone traveling or truck driving cross-border? Could I do a one-way rental car? I had 5 days at this point to get home for the funeral. 

Due to it being winter, COVID restrictions, etc., there were no rental vehicles available for a one-way trip. So, I had to find a ride! 

I called up a good friend and my cousin to see if their trucking routes were going cross-border with the right timing. Luckily my cousin's load worked out perfectly. I could fly to Great Falls, Montana and get picked up at the truck stop across from the airport. Now I had 4 days. 

I booked flights and a hotel for the meetup point, packed a bag, gathered all my documents, and had to get a PCR test within the 72-hour window. 

PCR test done, negative, good to go! You'd think it would be smooth sailing from there? No such luck. 

I met up with my cousin and we got to the border...but my PCR test was 2 hours outside the time frame requirements. Despite the circumstances, the border agent would not let me through. OMG - the funeral was in 2 days! The agent said I had to turn around and get a rapid test done. My cousin had already cleared customs with his commercial load and himself. How could we make this work? Thankfully the agent suggested we could use their yard up ahead to drop the trailer and turn around with just the tractor. I would wait in the building while my cousin looped back around. But my cousin would also need a new PCR test. Oh...okay. 

In the meantime, I was googling and calling to find where we could get a rapid test in nearby towns. We had to go all the way back to Great Falls, a 2 hour drive. But at least we got a guaranteed time slot! So we headed back, got the new PCR tests. Driving a tractor through downtown Great Falls was an adventure with all the low bridges! 

This next part of the PCR testing was kind of funny. My test came back negative, but my cousin tested positive! The nurse thought we were a couple since we had the same last name. LOL. She said I might be negative due to pregnancy. I wasn't pregnant, just fat! My cousin had the most confused look on his face trying to unpack what the nurse had said. We figured it out once we were back on the road - pretty sure his was a false positive. He lived in Canada, so the requirement would be to just quarantine at home. We'd get through the border! 

Off we went back to the border crossing. We got through, picked up the trailer, and headed for Calgary. I was going to stay the night and drive to Edmonton the next morning in my cousin's pickup. But he needed to retest due to the earlier positive result. So I made arrangements to fly from Calgary to Edmonton where my sister would pick me up. Then my cousin could get his new test done and drive up for the service. 

I arrived in Edmonton the night before the service - my husband also flew in later that same day. Interesting timing! 

My sisters had made the funeral arrangements. Mom had prepaid and selected everything except flowers and food, which was awesome and cost-effective. I highly recommend doing that to take the burden off loved ones of making choices for "what they would have wanted" while grieving. 

It was very cold the day of the service. During the service I couldn't stop crying as vivid images and conversations from over the years flooded my mind. I didn't really hear most of the spoken words. Going to the gravesite, I was shivering from the cold and couldn't cry since my body was busy trying to stay warm. Lowering the casket felt like a surreal moment in time - my mind went blank. Then came the awkwardness of saying goodbye with other family members present. 

There were still COVID protocols limiting attendance, so not many came in person, but many attended online. We handled the livestream ourselves - apologies to those who couldn't get in! We posted the video recording afterwards on social media. Those who did attend shared stories, which was comforting to hear. 

While I had been scrambling to get home, there were also discussions about next steps after the funeral. The executor-sister allowed all of us to contribute to the discussion and tasks ahead. I was very concerned that it was winter - we needed to secure the property, vehicle, etc. We secured the home and vehicle. Now to deal with the "stuff" - after 51 years in that house, there was a LOT to go through. Where do we start? When? Do we want to hire help or have family help? 

Out of the discussions came these steps and division of tasks: 

Step 1. Find the valuables, documents, etc. 

Step 2. Inventory the home, garage, shed. Decide: take, sell, donate, or garbage. 

Step 3. How to sell items? Auctions, garage sales, online? 

Step 4. Who will do what tasks and when? 

I have to recognize my mother's youngest sister, Carol, who was with us every step of the way for support. She helped orient us, questioned things to ensure logical rather than emotional decisions. 

Going through the home, touching items I'd never seen or hadn't seen in years, brought huge emotions - attachment, creepiness, flood of memories, and inevitable tears. As task-driven as I am, this didn't have to be fast and shouldn't have been. We recognized early on that we needed breaks to discuss emotions and not take outbursts personally due to the stress. At lunch and dinner, we'd share a memory or story that had surfaced, which was therapeutic. 

This process was overwhelming. In hindsight, glad we did it ourselves even though it took a couple months to complete. We were able to identify and keep what we considered valuables and heirlooms. A third party may not have let us keep some personal items to pass down. 

Some things I learned: who my parents were before us kids, their habits - like Mom keeping all gifts pristine and unused because she cherished them. I saw their school documents, photos from early life, learning who was who and the stories behind them (thanks Carol!). We even found their printed dirty jokes - who knew? Do we ever see our parents as just as human as we are? Another revelation: Mom's masterful packing skills - we had to search every inch because she tucked items into items into other items. That's how we found a lot of valuables and cash. 

For things we couldn't decide on like documents, photos, heirlooms, we packed them up into totes and put them in storage to revisit in a year with clearer minds. This was the best decision to make logical choices about family legacy. 

I made two 6-week trips at that point, with 8 weeks between, and was about to make a third to finish clearing things out and prepare for the sale. Renting a commercial dumpster is expensive but worth it if you have a lot of trash. Donation centers are picky nowadays about what they'll take. So ask early about their requirements and accepted items. 

For selling, we called auction houses and independent auctioneers. But COVID had them booked 6 months out. Most said there was so much "antique/old" stuff on the market already that their commissions wouldn't be covered. So we did it ourselves - 3 garage sales and 2 Facebook auctions. We sold about half the items. It was extremely labor-intensive and time-consuming. 

In hindsight, we should have had a liquidation mindset and priced everything at $1. But it's hard to curb your emotions selling personal possessions, plus the mental fatigue afterward. 

Once selling was done, it was just a matter of donating or trashing what was left and prepping the property for sale. The market had declined 12% in 6 months. As winter approached, we needed to sell quickly rather than carrying expenses through winter for a spring sale. 

It's hard to process the emotions of your childhood home no longer being yours. But the home sold quickly. 

When I finally got back home to my husband and pets, I was so glad yet went into decompression mode. There was still much to process from the last trip. I literally didn't call anyone but my sisters for two months until I was ready to leave home and see friends again. In retrospect, I was depressed, anxious, still grieving and should have started therapy right away. 

A year later I flew back to go through the storage items and inheritances, shipping my share back to the US. It was great to see my sisters and aunt again and go through the special items we'd set aside. We decided who in the family lineage would get what, and found a company to digitize photos and documents to share between both sides of the family tree. Not many in this generation care about genealogy, but we knew someday, someone would ask about their history and lineage. Preserving those stories I learned about my parents during this process is important since you lose history as the older generation passes on. 

When discussing my lessons learned from this with friends, some were made uncomfortable by the subject while others were curious to hear more. 

Key lessons: 

• Have those difficult discussions with parents beforehand. Learn about their wishes, how they want to handle unequal distributions among siblings, etc. This greatly impacts family relationships. 

• Involve family to help, and seek a therapist to process emotions. 

• Take your time executing the estate when ready. 

• Be organized and keep records, especially financial since accounts may be frozen during probate. 

• Have a plan for the process and services you'll need; reach out early. 

• Take in information and stories about your parents and share with family. 

• Identify the family member or friend who socializes the most to spread the news. Also use social media. 

• If you can't decide on some things, set them aside to revisit later with a clear mind. 

• Most importantly, take time to fully grieve and process the emotions.